It’s a cold, drizzly, freezing rain, sleet and snow kind of day in the Ozarks as I write this article.

Home from work, dinner cooked and eaten and it’s just bbbrrr outside. So, now in my comfy and warm jammies, watching the boob tube with the ol‘ ball and chain(don’t tell her I said that), I’m thinking that it’s time for a beer!

Ah, but settling in for knocking a few back is more complicated than you might think

It requires all the thought and finesse in making a good mix tape.

You see, I can’t start with Mother’s Materfamilias, an 11% Imperial Stout aged in multi spirit barrels. No, no, no, you can’t shoot your wad too early, your evening would be over. This ain’t a wham bam thank you ma’am kind of night.

You can’t start too weak either, it has to pique your interest, but not lay too heavy on you.

Now, you don’t have to decide right now how many that you’re going to have, you just have to commit to see where the night takes you.

Where the night takes you, indeed!

Alright, now that you’re all in, let’s do this thing!

Let’s be clear, I’m not talking about getting drunk or, as my dad used to say, tying one on, I’m talking about enjoying a few beers.

How many is a few you ask? Well, more than 2, or I would have said a couple of beers. As I’m on my first beer as I write this portion, I’m thinking possibly four, but at least 3.

Alrighty then, you made it through beer one and you’re feeling good about yourself. The magic elixir is starting to work, you’ve got that little wry smile on your face and you just said something witty and charming to your significant other, but where do you from here?

You have to kick it up, but how far? We’re not ready for that barrel aged masterpiece yet, and to steal from Nigel Tufnel, it’s not time to take it to 11 yet. Let’s say you started with a 3 or 4, I’d say ratchet it up to about a 7.

I mean, enough horsepower to turn that wry smile into a full-on grin, but not so much as to turn you into Bozo the Clown.

Okay, now you’ve committed to beer 2 and a little more ABV, you’re about half way through and really feeling good about yourself. Don’t worry, not yet anyway, you’re a pro.

You came through like a trooper and now beer 3 is calling your name. So, which way to go? Well, just like a good mix tape, take it down just a bit, but not too much.

For the sake of argument, let’s say you started at 5%, jumped to 7%, I’d say meet in the middle at 6 ish%. And now you’re ready to go.

Relax, you’re doing fine. You got through the first two, you’ve made perfect beer choices, you’re a rockstar, so drink with Gusto! Well, medium gusto anyway, I mean, we’re not chugging here, but we’re not nursing either.

Now on to beer #4! You’ve got a slight buzz, but it looks good on you. We’ve decided to call it a night on this one, so let’s make it a big one. Yeah, that’s right. That aforementioned barrel aged beauty.

Okay, I know some of you studs and studettes can get through 10- 12 in an evening, and this has all been done a little tongue in cheek, but the truth is, at my age, at this stage in my life, I’m quite content drinking 4 quality brews while watching TV with the wife.

However, that doesn’t make my theory any less valid. That being, picking the perfect beer is like making the perfect mix tape. The right choices will make your evening. The wrong choices, well, at best will give you indigestion and at worst, well a porcelain bus you’ll be a drivin’!

At the risk of being redundant …

I Am The Beer Whisperer

Beervangelist, Prolific Beer Drinker

Purveyor Of Wisdom and …

All Around Good Guy!