@ The Pub With The Beer Whisperer
Here we are again, another year, another beer. So, what’s next for craft beer? What will be the next big trend? Is there anything left to do?
I mean, haven’t we covered about everything? Current beer styles barely resemble beer, and then there’s the seltzer craze, don’t get me started!
Which leads me to the title, “Craft Beer Curmudgeon”, because apparently I’m now that guy.
They’ve always been there, you know, the old guy at the end of the bar that wants to give you a history lesson per every beer you order, or is constantly interrupting your conversation with a friend.
I’m not exactly sure when it happened, but at some point, somehow, I became that guy!
They say with age comes wisdom, but I think also with age comes the inability to let anything go.
When I hear the hipster-somethings praddling off obvious falsehoods, I feel my hands shaking, my eyes twitching, okay, I do have Tourettes, but it’s more than that. I’ve tried, lord knows I’ve tried to keep my mouth shut, but the shaking and twitching will always inevitably lead to me feeling the need to correct the young know it all, and show them the error of their ways.
And hence The Curmudgeon!
Because this rarely goes well! They rarely stop and say,”Thank You, Thank You Tom The Beer Whisperer for showing us the error of our ways”. Did I say rarely? I mean it never happens that way. There’s always muttering, probably some profanity and definitely dirty looks.
I grew up Irish Catholic, the 4th of 5, so none of that bothers me, but … Oh yeah, but it doesn’t buy craft beer any goodwill either, and that bothers me a little.
Now, this is the point in the article where I’d say something about changing my ways and us old folks should try to avoid this behavior, but for the life of me, I just can’t do it.
I mean, after 30 something years, watching micro breweries, brew pubs and craft beer develop, watching it devolve into a bastion of sour milk shake slushies and banana kiwi seltzers just makes me, well I really want to say sad, but it just PISSES ME OFF! Which brings us back to Curmudgeon!
Yeah, I’m not changing my ways! I mean, I’ve been going to that brewery, brewpub etc … before the little pissy pants were even born, so they can go have sexual relations with themselves, I ain’t budging! They don’t want to see the old guy at the bar, find another bar you seltzer drinking turd muffin.
Ah yes, you see how easy it is to go full Curmudgeon?
It usually starts slow, but by the end I’ve insulted them, their mother, their dog, priest and financial advisor. And you just can’t walk that stuff back!
The truth is though, at this point in my life, I no longer want to. I want to burn that bridge, nuke that baby, make that ground so toxic that it can never be rebuilt.
And welcome to my life now! I’ve embraced the Curmudgeon lifestyle, I mean I try to be a loveable one, but sometimes, oh sometimes, the little turds need a comeuppance, and here I am!
So, if you see me drinking my traditional beer style while you’re ordering your peanut butter chocolate banana milkshake stout sour slushy, and you see me start to shake, avoid all eye contact and I’ll probably just mutter to myself about the atrocities I just witnessed.
Just remember, the Curmudgeon has been through fire, they’ve got nothing left to lose and it doesn’t take much to set of their bull shit alarm. We may may look harmless, in my case, old and fat, but at this stage in our lives, the only thing we fear is not making it to the bathroom at 3 am!